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[07 Nov 2012|10:14pm]
i think perhaps i have killed her,
smothered her aura with smoke.
i chased the wolves from her carcass
and saw that she was still alive.
so i had to kill her.

you see?

she was looking at me
with those eyes
i'd be a devil not to do otherwise.

now she's feigning happiness up in heaven
wishing she was in hell.
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[29 Sep 2012|10:42pm]
why i like lj:
you can't just "like" something, you have to say something.
it's not covered in memes? is it? i don't know i don't stick around here often

i've had this journal for so many years now
years and years

do people still livejournal? i don't even know. my friend's list is a desert.

i'm gonna go see if i can find people
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invoice [03 Jul 2012|12:18pm]
[ mood | mad ]

i'm so used to you it's like you are invisible i want to be in love again (we are love) (we created love) what happened? suddenly i'm a wife, this role is uncomfortable to me and seems to cancel out the possibility of passion
it is passionate though
yet i cringe at how i appear. i feel i have a secret. a magical place that i can't let the world in on.

did you see that new picture of our child? hope you didn't miss it, i'm stuck flaunting myself on facebook and using instagram????????? hello, my name is janel. that last sentence doesn't fit into social networking. somehow i've replaced real life entirely by the internet. why?

what the fuck.
we need to wake up. i'm not the only one. i'm doing it still, here i am - hello!

nothing matters unless it's documented we say
keep busy
better not stop or you're dead!

i've been having issues lately
but you can't say that on fucking facebook

there is a stigma, a string, it's attached to me and i'm bored of it.

does anyone get mad anymore? i still get mad

1 comment|post comment

how do you revive a livejournal? [05 Jun 2012|01:23pm]
help me i've been tumblring. i have a husband and a child. i miss myself. i could do more, why aren't i doing more?

does anyone still read this?

i yi yi yi yi hello?

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[14 Feb 2010|01:09am]
is it raining?
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it's simple [30 Jan 2010|06:09pm]
i am in love
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[25 Jan 2010|08:45pm]
salt shakers in my ears shake as the sound resinates - resonator reciprocals cause sounds to blast as the walls reverberate there is a loud crash and a heavy bass line suddenly erupting into a jazz crescendo twisting suddenly from tinkling piano keys into a japanese cherry blossom garden

scrupulous picking - pricing, whistling - turning into sharp corners, backing up and risking - throwing leaves, throwing veils these are not things that avail and now you're here, so i can stop - feigning fights and getting lost

is what i did

there was a space
that existed in me
and empty place
i didn't let anyone see
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[24 Jan 2010|12:42am]
i see you in brushstrokes every one is determined by each other - i see you in progression as tip toed dancer and a knuckle cracking thief - i see you as a goldfish eater and i see you as a relief. your eyes say the most and they're always so clear. your tendencies cause me to rhyme. this cannot be brought on by normal behavior. from now on we are always connected there is no chasm between us i am electric and you are ecstatic.
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goodbye number what.. four? [09 Jan 2010|03:08pm]
[ mood | adventurous ]

in about three hours i'm going to be hanging out with roger. after that we're probably going to get a burrito, smoke some weed and sit in my empty room listening to records... soaking in each others' excitement. scheming about the drive up north. laughing. plotting. escaping. i am really looking forward to this trip. i am really glad to be given the opportunity to go.

i think i am holding in all my excitement. it feels like i'm going to explode.

i love endings. i love them, they only mean for more beginnings. i'm glad that i am getting away from here. i am not the only person who recognizes that san diego is filled with misanthropes, lost causes, and poison. i took so many missteps. i made a few mistakes, and i made some good decisions. i am really proud of myself for the amount of resistance i have shown. i learned how to say no. now i know how to avoid the poisonous ones for the most part. i met my share of angels in the murk - but these encounters were always brief and did nothing but make me realize how much i miss having real connections with people. based on real ideals rather than similar habits and social circles.

i am sick

of social circles.

of course i am aware that there are the same people, every where you go. and it's quite possible that i will run into the same situation up north but i somehow very highly doubt it. i have nothing but warm memories of stimulating conversations, sincere handshakes, and people who gave a damn.

i've said this before but i'll say it again, and probably more times throughout my life - in order to appreciate something i have to leave it. i will miss you san diego, mostly the things you revealed to me about myself and the capacity of people to be horrible yet wonderful at the same time.

"all the best times are fleeting."
"oh honey, everything is fleeting."
"then the best times are always right now."

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YES [07 Dec 2009|10:06pm]
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[04 Dec 2009|05:45pm]
broke things off with both boys
i don't even want to talk about why, i'm exhausted.

i'm moving to portland next month. this means i have to give 30 days notice some time really soon and i don't know how to say it. how do you say it? i guess it's easy and i'm making things hard.

"i'm leaving next month."

i don't have a place set up
i don't have a job
i don't have much money.

somehow i'll manage. i can do this, i've done it before.
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[25 Nov 2009|11:48am]
i am adoring sebastian lately,

darshan has been "checked out" this entire month. he's not sober, ever. i've distanced myself. hopefully he gets better because i worry about him. i think part of my mistake was to bring up his drinking problem in the first place. he seems to be drunk more often since we talked about it. i don't regret bringing it up though, i had to.

last night i went to sebastian's and it was different. i'm lost every time i step inside, it's as if reason doesn't exist. i feel great, he's good at communicating without words. i like that we can talk about concepts in art and relationships without feeling any sort of pressure, there is a fission there - our minds meet in a cooperative space. an even playing field. even though our interests are completely different, he is a visual artist and i am less visual, more visceral (i feel as if my life is a work of art in progress.) i am always able to translate what i am thinking of, or feeling and vice versa. i like how he hides away from people while he is drawing or building something.

the word to describe our relationship: smoldering.

fire signs unite well.

i woke up today, said goodbye, walked to get coffee, picked up some groceries, came home to make breakfast, and i have to work in two hours.. but this day - is beautiful and i want to remember it this way.
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[24 Nov 2009|06:32pm]
i bought three records today. also a dress and i shoplifted some other things. i'm waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower so i can shower

i like this big black record. i'm drinking wine, it was cheap but it's decent. the liquor store down the street gets some good deals. i think the owner is in the russian mafia. i made tuna casserole tonight. i managed to open a can of tuna without mercury noticing. usually he notices when you open any cans. or even think about opening a can. it was bizarre. hmm. mercury and tuna

i am really happy lately.

mike is all freakin out about a date he has tonight. asking me how his outfit looks, it's cute. haha.
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[11 Nov 2009|04:49pm]
I live where the chaos swirls. I shake my shoulders up and down, navigating jubilantly as I breeze through comfort zones like a ticket holder to the backstage of cordiality. I arrive where the cerulean tides of formality constantly break apart into waves of ecstasy.
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[08 Nov 2009|03:58pm]
i feel more centered,
in the midst of chaos.
i am only able to stand still
in the storms eye,
when i am on the outside
clamoring past.
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[05 Nov 2009|01:08pm]
i'm happiest when i am what other people would call scandalous.

i'm never in one relationship. i'm always in two, or more. be them sexual or based on other factors, they balance each other out. nobody is being lied to, there is nothing but understanding.

that being said i pacified one with an apologetic rose for my unrealistic expectations and the toll that they took because i felt i had no right to treat him as such. i realized i cannot get all my satisfaction from just him, he's too stubborn, too new at this, too closed off to the possibility of anything unknown happening to him. he plans. yet he wants to try, so i can't just stop seeing him now that he admitted he wants more. i'm willing to try to show him what it's like to be loved, and to love.

it was hard to do but i left him that night to spend an evening with the other one. we were conversing about everything.. from ganesha to frightening plane trips, to siblings and our jobs. he is untied, relaxed and falls into me like we have been lovers for ages. i didn't click with him, we meshed together and it felt like we were connected from the first instant we met. he proved to me in this night that he is unwavering in his creativity, a brilliant artist - he's more fanciful and less obtuse. i felt at ease and we made love with tetsuo playing in the background. i woke up satisfied, for once.

the other one doesn't often make love to me, and if he wants to he never finishes or succeeds in making me happy, so to speak. afraid to take off all of his clothes and bare all, he is grounded and set, temperate and slow. not just sexually but in life.. in his work, in his friendships. he is content to sit and let things happen to him. i like him in my life because he is constant. a rock. i am in between these two states which is why i fluctuate between both men so often. i don't just love people romantically. i love them all-encompassingly, for what they are and for what they could be. i am set on bringing to myself my own satisfaction and if it takes more than one person to feel this, then so be it.

i don't see anything wrong with me, i feel most honest and most myself at this point in my life.
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[11 Oct 2009|06:30pm]
live journal is dying

i will never let my livejournal die though.
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[23 Sep 2009|08:39pm]
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[09 Sep 2009|02:10pm]
love my life hate my friends
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[07 Sep 2009|02:13am]
crawling through
every one of us
puts up a wall
too thick to break through
but too thin
to resist.

i wish
i were
less vulnerable.
my face melts every time
i smile.

i bet,
they don't think like i do.

in the night time
we are different.

in the day time
we glow.

i wish

i were

less vulnerable.
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